Ramblings Of Moose

I recently purchased a comic book, an item that I have been known to enjoy from time to time. The cover of said comic book was as follows:

Now, as you can imagine, I was quite intrigued by this concept. You see, I am a great fan of Spider-Man. And with great fandom comes great responsibility. That responsibility: To imagine Spider-Man fighting with other superheroes. Usually, it’s Batman, but no matter. Wolverine would certainly prove to be a formidable opponent, would he not? I would soon find out.

I was disappointed however, when I opened the first page, and found this (perhaps paraphrased slightly):

You get the idea. I’m a page in and so far I’m not seeing any Spider-Man or Wolverine. I should’ve guessed that something was wrong then. I wanted to get right to the action! Nonetheless, I read on, hopeful that things would take a turn for the better. Unfortunately, I found more of the same:

You know, it was pretty much something exactly along those lines. So the plot is as follows: Spider-Man and Wolverine are working with some ex-CIA chick to prevent the Cold War from happening? What?! I didn’t really even get it. In case you didn’t notice, I wasn’t exactly paying close attention.

Oh, all right, finally! There’s our two heroes. They’re working together now, but surely something will go awry, and the two of them will start to bicker, and . . . OH, I’m getting excited just thinking about it! You have to love the “BRAKKA BRAKKA” sounds too. That’s really what guns sound like!

A-ha! Did you see that? Wolverine kills ruthlessly, and Spider-Man disagrees with these actions! There is no doubt in my mind that this difference of opinion will ultimately lead to them having NO CHOICE but to fight. POSSIBLY TO THE DEATH, I dunno. Plus, there’s a Doctor McNinja cameo.

But, my friends.

Guess what.

After reading through this entire issue, it became painfully obvious that there was NO FIGHT BETWEEN WOLVERINE AND SPIDER-MAN IN THE ENTIRE THING.

Surely, you jest. That’s what you’re saying, right? But, no. I jest not. The cover of this comic blatantly LIES to everyone stupid enough to read into its treachery. Still don’t believe me? Just wait until you see more of the horrors that lie within.

Lost references? In my Spider-Man? I . . . Oh, all right, they can have that one.

So yeah, here’s what happens next. Spider-Man is getting trained by this NEBO jerk, that Nick Fury was questioning in the first couple of pages.

Why? Who cares.

Do you get what’s happening there? It is apparent to me that Spider-Man’s spider sense has been honed to such a degree, that he now has the ability TO SEE INTO THE FUTURE.

WHAT.

WHAT.

WHAT.

THERE’S MORE.

HE JUST KNOWS THINGS. Come on! Oh, and check out Spidey’s newly lamed out costume that’s supposed to make him look cooler or something. Except he just looks angrier.

Wait, hold on . . .

Oh, my God. Spider-Man is a grey! Alert the conspiracy theorists! Everything makes sense now! Stan Lee was behind Area 51 this whole time!

Oh, it gets better.

Okay, we get it, Peter Parker misses Gwen Stacy, why does everybody have to rub it in so much?

And then Wolverine gets angry:

And then. . . . Oh, this is the good stuff. So here Spider-Man gets attacked by some Russian guy with swords:

Webs, ha! indeed. But guess what? Webs aren’t all Spidey has up his sleeve anymore.

No, my friends.

CHECK THIS OUT.

THAT’S RIGHT PEOPLE. SPIDER-MAN JUST SHOT A BULLET OUT OF HIS WEB SHOOTER, INTO THE HEAD OF SOME RANDOM DUDE. HE JUST SHOT A MAN IN THE HEAD, AND KILLED HIM AT POINT BLANK RANGE. SPIDER-MAN. KILLED HIM.

COMIC OVER.

ABORT. ABORT.

But I digress.

Truly, it’s not the comic’s fault that I was so disappointed. It’s mostly the cover’s fault. Promising me a glorious imaginary fight, and delivering absolutely everything but that.

So I designed a new cover that I think is slightly more appropriate:

See? That I would have happily paid the $2.99 for, read and enjoyed.

If you guys agree with me, and I know that you do, I encourage you to please, write Marvel about this atrocity. Something has to be done.

Something has to be done.

1. I will not post blog entries late.

2. I will not procrastinate all the time probably.

3. I will get to bed before midnight, every single night.

4. Some nights I will stay up later than this.

5. I will eat a little more junk food. I need to gain some weight.

6. I will stop neglecting my DVDs and video games. They need love too.

7. I won’t download anything illegally online.

8. Most Internet downloads are pretty much a gray area, so I don’t really think a lot of it is illegal.

9. I will stop writing resolutions that are really just comments on previous resolutions.

10. I will make at least 25 resolutions for the new year.

11. I will write my new comic well, and make sure it becomes a hit.

12. I will make sure that MooseTV will gain a following of dozens, and the forums will explode.

13. I will do all that I can to expedite the filming of our movie Sanity, even if I don’t actually feel like it sometimes.

14. I will not move my Wii back up to my room from the basement. Sure, it’s convenient because it’s right next to the computer, but do I really need that kind of luxury?

15. However, I will move it back up if I have to use the computer to talk to people while playing an online game.

16. Sorry, I was doing the ‘comment on last resolution’ thing again.

17. I will not cheat, and number the resolutions incorrectly. I really will make 25.

18. I will say hello, smile and wave to every single person that I see on a day of my choosing.

19. I will make a conscious effort not to always laugh at the following things: Nazis, cancer, racism, death, Teri Schaivo, that one kid in 4th period, and women’s rights.

20. I will stop posting inappropriate things on my blog. After all, this is the Internet. I know how sensitive people can be here.

21. I will tell people that I have just recently overcome a drug addiction, and then pretend to have violent withdrawal symptoms, and see how they react. I think this will give me a fresh perspective on how we treat the less fortunate.

22. I won’t make fun of anyone unless they deserve it.

23. I will try to work the topic of monkeypox into a conversation I am having at least once a month.

24. I will think about more ways to make it easier to write blog entries, like just making a numbered list that doesn’t take all that long to write.

25. Actually, forget it.

–>

Hate is a very strong word, and I am fully prepared to use it here. Do I love dentists? No. Do I like dentists? No. Am I comfortable knowing that dentists exist in this world? Absolutely not. I hate them. I hate them all. So sorry if anybody out there is a dentist, or knows a dentist, or goes to a dentist, but I just can’t hold this back any longer.

Probably number two on the list of things I hate, is when a stranger reaches their hand into my mouth. Get this: That’s exactly what dentists are paid to do every single day. I have been to dentists, and let me tell you. There’s a lot of things that could use some improvement.

The most recent trend that I’ve noticed in dentistry is that they now have TVs in the offices. Actual televisions with full cable that come down from the ceiling. The intent of this is that the patients have something to watch while they’re being abused. Okay, nice idea, but let’s face it. Somebody right now is poking sharp metal objects into my gums. The very last thing that I need is for them to accidentally knock a tooth out because of something funny somebody said on Home Improvement. Seriously, is this at all necessary? Have we become so impatient, and developed such short attention spans, that we need screens thrust into our faces 24 hours a day? Well . . . Yeah, I know I have! So you know what I do about it? I stay home and watch TV! I don’t go out to the dentist. It’s a waste of time.

In the good old days, you know what the only form of entertainment you had at the dentist’s office was? Old magazines. And then, right before they called you in for your appointment, you were forced to leave the magazine behind. It was kind of liking having a last meal before your execution.

Oh, but don’t forget about the weird little gadgets they put out in the waiting room. You know, the things that have that gooey stuff in it? And you turn the thing upside down, and all the goo falls down into the other side? Do you? I honestly don’t know if this is something they all have, or if it’s just me. It’s not really important.

Anyway, you get in there, and they push the chair back so you can lie down. No, that’s not for your comfort. That’s because the dentist likes to feel like they’re in power, like they’re the ones in control. Because if you’re dumb enough to pay them for an appointment, they probably are. You’re helpless in that chair. All you can do is lie still while they poke and prod inside of you. Oh, and they just love to make you feel stupid. This is their favorite game in the whole world: Ask the patient a question while his mouth is being manipulated in such a way that it is impossible for him to speak at all. It starts off simple.

“So have you been brushing twice a day, every day?”

“Aah-haah.”

“You haven’t been experiencing any pain in any of these teeth?”

“Aah-aaah.”

“How’s your sister, I haven’t seen her in here for a while.”

“Aaah . . . . Aah-haah?”

“What college is she going to now?”

“Aachaen . . . Aahnn . . .”

“Have you heard about Britney Spears? Why do you think she broke up with Kevin?”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGNHNNHHNHGGHHNNN!!”

And it only gets worse from there. Let’s continue.

Flossing. I have some issues with this, but let’s just get one thing out of the way first. There is a tiny misconception about flossing that many people have, and that many dentists like to perpetuate. Let’s see if you can figure out what it is.

TRUE or FALSE: People floss.

Answer: FALSE. No one flosses. Nobody, ever, in the history of the universe, has ever flossed. Not you, not me, not your brother, your parents, or even your precious dentist. If they tell you they’ve been flossing, they’re lying. If you see them flossing, you’re probably just not fully comprehending some other very unusual situation, and it’s probably not really any of your business anyhow.

But these dentists! They try to make you feel bad about it. Going to the dentist is like getting a visit from your old, Jewish mother. “Ohh, these teeth! I wish you would floss these teeth! Euch, I see an awful lot of plaque back there! Oh, you really have to work on brushing these teeth right here. Your gums shouldn’t be bleeding like that.” Yeah, you know why my gums are bleeding? Do you? Have any idea what’s happening there? I’ll clue you in. My gums are bleeding because you’re shoving jaggedy edged pieces of steel straight into them. Amazing isn’t it? Another mystery solved! Chalk that one up to my stellar education.

And then my favorite part is at the end of the appointment, when they give you a little baggy with an incredible FREE toothbrush, and toothpaste, and some dental floss! Wow, thanks! I sure couldn’t save up the total sum of about three dollars that it would’ve taken to purchase these fine wares, so this really is a life saver. You guys think of everything. I can’t wait to use these when I get home. I’m gonna put them right next to all the other unused crap you’ve pushed off onto me over the years.

I could go on. But really, I don’t have to. So we’ll just end it here now. I’ve given you plenty of good reason to hate dentists, but I think that Jerry Seinfeld summed it all up pretty nicely with the following joke:

“You know the difference between a sadist and a dentist, don’t you?

. . . Newer magazines.”

–>

The other day, as I was taking into consideration the multitude of problems that plague my life with ever increasing misery (I’m talking about you, human beings.), I realized something.

Life is funny!

And not just life! Death is funny too! Everything is funny! . . . Eventually. Not right now. Just say as an example, that you happen to get two tickets in one day from the same cop. Kinda sucks, right? But what about a few years later? You’re gonna be with your friends all, “LOL man, remember when I got two tickets from the same cop! HAHA, life is so weird!” You will so totally be like that!!

So, let’s explore why this phenomenon occurs. It’s simple, really. You’ve probably figured it out already. (And you can just go ahead and exit out of the window now, since clearly you’re so much better than the rest of us.) When bad stuff happens, life doesn’t feel so fun for you. But as time passes, that bad stuff goes away, and now you’re in a better place! You’ve moved on! That’s why you can look on the past and laugh at your own previous misfortunes. Because none of that stuff really matters anymore! (If it ever actually did in the first place.)

But wait. What about the universal truth that life pretty much just gets worse as you get older? If your life is worse as time goes by, then shouldn’t you still be miserable about past failures? Nope! That’s the beauty of it! If your life sucks even harder (chances are it will), then you laugh about your old screw-ups because they seem so incredibly insignificant compared to the massive lack of success you’ve got going for you in the present time! Granted, this is kind of a sad, sardonic laughter situation, but still. It is funny.

Let’s try another example. Let’s say your family gets killed in a car accident. You’re alone now, and you have to get serious therapy for several years, because of all the trauma. Sounds like a pretty awful situation, doesn’t it? But . . . You know . . . If you think about it . . . It’s pretty ironic, that you . . .

Hang on, I got something.

Years and years later, this will be hilarious to you, because you will realize the futility of your own existence, and you will laugh because life and death . . . None of it really matters at all anyway! We’re all just useless particle clusters floating around aimlessly! Get it?

. . . Well, I’ll laugh at this one in hindsight too, just in case you don’t get it.

What about the Holocaust? Not so funny when it happened, but you’re lying if you tell me you haven’t laughed at a good Hitler joke or two recently. Did you hear the one about Anne Frank? Yeah, it turns out the Nazis discover her and her family hiding in the attic, and pretty much all of them die.

. . . . Any laughs?

. . . There will be. Just give it time. (Lots of time)

Right now, you’re probably a tiny bit disgusted with the poor taste and humor of this blog post. But, trust me. Later on, perhaps in the very near future, you’ll be driving along, maybe getting pulled over or something . . . And you’ll remember this. And you’ll laugh.

Ohh, yes. You will laugh.

–>

Yes, though it’s been heavily rumored for a long, long time now, I’m afraid it’s all finally coming to fruition. Well, it’s coming to something. I’ll get back to you on that one. Check back at the end of the blog post.

So why is this happening? Why now of all times? Straight up, I am sick of you people. Always whining, and complaining at me. Telling me to burn things. It gets a little old after a while, okay? But that’s not all. No, not even close. As a matter of fact, I’ve got a whole list of things that are wrong with not only this industry (which industry?), but the entire world. Let’s get started.

1. The education system.

Have you ever been to school? Yeah? You have? It kinda sucks, doesn’t it? Kinda puts a little bit of stress on you, huh? Yeah, it’s rough. It’s slow, thankless work, that for the most part just slows kids today down from getting out there into the working world and helping support our economy. But nothing ever gets done about it! And do you know why? Because everybody that goes to school just ends up graduating (miserable and alone). And since now they’re selfish adults, and they’re free from the tyranny of their teachers, they conveniently forget how horrible school is, and take no action to remedy the situation. Meanwhile the kids who are still in school have no power to do anything by themselves anyway. In conclusion: This problem can never be solved.

2. Daylight savings time.

We had to set our clocks back this weekend? Gee, that’s a real useful development. For farmers in the 1800s. But for ME, it’s accomplishing very, very little. (See how I used two ‘very’s there? That’s an old writer’s trick. Stick around, maybe you’ll learn something.) This morning as I’m leaving my house, I notice that the sun is hitting me right in the face, where usually there is not the sun. So now, I have to take precious time out of my morning just to put on my sunglasses. That’s poor planning! Furthermore, who’s to say what time is when? I think I should use my own system of time from now on. If the government can convince everyone that it’s an hour earlier than it really is for no good reason, then why not me too? Guess what! We’re going back three hours now! That’s right! 10:00 is now 7:00! But why stop there? Let’s go back a full 24 hours! Now we’ve lost an entire day! We’re practically going back in time! Do you see the impracticality of this scenario? Good.

3. Sleep.

I don’t have enough of it. My schedule should revolve around my body, not the other way around! This is unhealthy! Do you know why America’s lost so much progress in various fields of science? It’s because nobody can think straight without twelve cans of Red Bull in their system. And that really just isn’t very healthy. Scientists desperately need more sleep, so they can devote more time to researching a method of survival without the need for sleep! Then, with sleep out of the way, they’d have way more time for figuring out other important stuff, like how to make cosmetic surgery more expensive! I should be in bed right now!

4. Things I need to do.

There are far too many of them. Things I want to do, things I need to do. There’s just not ever enough time to take care of it all! This issue really ties into the whole lack of sleep, as well as daylight savings time screwing things up all over again. Then of course, there’s procrastination. Oh sure, you blame this problem on my own personal “laziness.” Cut me some slack! Procrastination isn’t a choice, okay! It’s a disease! (If alcoholics can get this loophole, why not me?) Believe me, I wish I could stop, I honestly do. Sometimes I think to myself, “Wouldn’t the world be a nicer place if I just did all of my work in a–” But then I’m cut short because I have to refresh Digg.com again. Apple’s doing what to the iPhone? This I gotta see.

5. Striking.

Seriously? There’s a writer’s strike going on in Hollywood, that people knew about in advance? What did they do, get together, have a meeting, decide, yeah, the month of November is okay for that, and then just go with it? Think about the chaos that might have ensued had the writers actually taken some risks, and just sprung this on everybody? Nobody left to write new episodes of Desperate Housewives? Are you kidding? The universe would implode! Instead, what do we get? Oh, a few weeks of Tonight Show reruns. Really, I don’t get to watch Jay Leno stumble through a crappy monologue every night? What in the world am I going to do at 11:30 eastern time then? Watch a DVD? I’ve already watched all my DVDs! Sleep? I can’t sleep! I’ve got a blog to write! Oh, the humanity.

So, actually, forget it. I’m not going on strike. In fact, from this sentence onward, I am officially off strike. I just don’t feel strongly enough about anything to take it that far. Plus, if I went on strike, I would have nothing to avoid doing. I’d probably end up doing some actual work in an effort to avoid successfully striking. And that’s the last thing that I want.

Oh, and since you stuck with me through this whole thing, I think I figured out what this whole thing is coming to: Oreo pizza.

Oreo god damn pizza.

Think about that, America.

–>